While reading The Confidence Code, I flagged numerous passages that resonated with me and that I wanted to take away and have them really sink in.
Here they are:
If you only remember one thing from this book, let it be this: When in doubt, act.
Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into actions.
Think Less. Take Action. Be authentic.
In the most basic terms, what we need to do is to start acting and risking and failing, and stop mumbling and apologizing and prevaricating. It isn't that women don't have the ability to succeed; it's that we don't seem to believe we can succeed, and that stops us from even trying. Women are so keen to get everything just right that we are terrified of getting something wrong. But, if we don't take risks, we'll never reach the next level.
Confidence is only part science, however. The other part is art. And how people live their lives ends up having a surprisingly big impact on their original confidence framework. The newest research shows that we can literally change our brains in ways that affect our thoughts and behavior at any age... [W]e can all choose to expand our confidence. But we will get there only if we stop trying to be perfect and start being prepared to fail.
Monique and Crystal [professional women basketball players] had looked so...purely confident out there on the court. But thirty minutes of talk we'd uncovered over-thinking, people pleasing, and an inability to let go of defeats - three traits we had already realized on a confidence blacklist.
...the men go into everything just assuming that they're awesome and thinking, 'Who wouldn't want me?'
Do men doubt themselves sometimes? Of course. But they don't examine those doubts in such excruciating detail, and they certainly don't let those doubts stop them as often as women do.
The authors found that the women working at H-P applied for promotions only when they believed the met 100 percent of the qualifications necessary for the job. The men were happy to apply when they thought they could meet 60 percent of the job requirements. So, essentially, women feel confident only when we are perfect. Or practically perfect.
In our notebooks...we jotted down - action and bold and makes decision. But we'd also written honest and feminine. And also this: comfortable.
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Having overcome our initial, overachiever reservations, there's something else appealing about self-compassion. It is the acceptance that it's okay to be average sometimes. Many of us spend our lives trying to be the best at everything, whether it's winning soccer games at age five or making partner by age thirty-five.
...But constantly defining yourself through other people's achievements is chasing fool's gold. There is always someone doing better. Sometimes you far well by comparison; sometimes not.
Self-compassion recognizes the folly of this. To take risks, we have to know that we won't always win. Otherwise, we'll either refuse to act or be devastated.
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You know that old saying, "It's all in your head?" Well, when it comes to confidence, it's wrong. One of the most unexpected and vital conclusions we reached is that confidence isn't even close to all in your head. Indeed, you have to get out of your head to create it and to use it. Confidence occurs when the insidious self-perception that you aren't able is trumped by the stark reality of your achievements.
It is a willingness to go out of your comfort zone and do hard things. We were also sure that confidence must be about hard work. Mastery. About resilience and not giving up.
With all their roughhousing and teasing, boys also toughen each other in ways that are actually useful for building resilience. Where many women seek out praise and run from criticism, men usually seem unfazed, able to discount other people's views much earlier in life. From kindergarten on, boys tease each other, call each other slobs, and point out each other's limitations. Psychologists believe that playground mentality encourages them later, as men, to let other people's tough remarks slide off their backs. It's a handy skill to have when they head out into the cold world.
Another unhelpful habit most of us have is overthinking. Women spend far to much time undermining themselves with tortured cycles of self-recrimination. It is the opposite of taking action, the cornerstone of confidence.
Moreover, perfectionism keeps us from action. We don't answer questions until we are totally sure of the answer, we don't submit a report until we've line edited ad nauseam, and we don't sign up for that triathlon unless we know we are faster and fitter than is required. We watch our male colleagues lean in, while we hold back until we believe we're perfectly ready and perfectly qualified.
You don't get to experience how far you can go in life - at work and everywhere else - without pushing yourself, and, equally important, without being pushed along by others. Gaining confidence means getting outside your comfort zone, experiencing setbacks, and, with determination, picking yourself up again.
If you choose not to act, you have little chance of success. What's more, when you choose to act, you're able to succeed more frequently than you think. How often in life do we avoid doing something because we think we'll fail? Is failure really worse than doing nothing? And how often might we have actually triumphed if we had just decided to give it a try?
We need to fail again and again, so that it becomes part of our DNA. If we get busy failing in little ways, we will stop ruminating on our possible shortcomings and imaging worst-case scenarios. We'll be taking action, instead of analyzing every possible nook and crevice of a potential plan. If we can embrace failure as forward progress, then we can spend time on the other critical confidence skill: mastery.
Confidence, as we've said (at least fifty times by now, and there are a few more repetitions to come), is about action. It also takes repeated attempts, calculated risk taking, and changes to the way we think.
Simply put, a woman's brain is not her friend when it comes to confidence. We think too much and we think about the wrong things. Thinking harder and harder and harder won't solve our issues, though, it won't make us more confident, and it most certainly freezes decision making, not to mention action.
For most of us, being self-deprecating seems far more appealing than boasting, but that can backfire on multiple levels. Even if we're simply trying to downplay achievements in front of others, we are essentially telling ourselves a damaging story - that we don't really deserve our accomplishments. That affects not only how we see ourselves, but also how others see us. Remember, our bosses want winners working for them. The like to hear about what we've done well. Moreover, if we devalue, to ourselves, what we've already achieved, it makes it less likely that we'll attempt to clear future hurdles.
Here's the wonderful advice Peterson gave shortly before he died: "Say it with confidence, because if you don't sound confident, why will anybody believe what you say?" After that interview both of us were appalled to hear the occasional lilt in our own sentences - we weren't even aware we were doing it - and in those of our daughters.
Practice power positions. Sitting up straight will give you a short-term confidence boost, according to a recent study conducted by Richard Petty and his colleagues. Try it now. Abs in. Chin up. Astonishingly simple, woefully infrequent. Try nodding your head. You feel more confident as you talk when you do it - and you're sending a subconscious signal that makes others agree with you. And, yes, always sit at the table. Otherwise, you're handling power away by not sitting with those who have it.
Don't pretend to be anything or anyone - simple take action. Do one small brave thing, and then the next one will be easier, and soon confidence will flow. We know - fake it till you make it sounds catchier - but this actually works.
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[P]arents should simply make the praise specific to a task and as precise as possible, especially with younger children.
We can't bear our children's suffering so we fix their problems, in school, in athletics, in their friendships. But over the long term they become too reliant on us and accustomed to bad things simply being swept out of their way.
And here's the real challenge: When they botch the test or burn the dinner or miss the bus, don't jump in to fix it or get angry. For all of us, mastering skills requires the ability to tolerate frustration, and if you respond too quickly with a helping hand or agitation, your child won't develop that tolerance. Take a deep breath and let them figure it out. Let them fail.
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...[W]omen who employed that strategy (making their achievements known to their superiors) "advanced further, were more satisfied with their careers, and had greater compensation growth than women who are less focused on calling attention to their successes."
So, rather than repeatedly telling your friend she's great, try encouraging her to take action instead. Often, it takes just one suggestion... One little nudge might be all we need.
[E]xpressing some vulnerability can be a strength, especially when it connects you to others. Dwelling on insecurities, and basking in self-doubt is not. Reviewing your decisions with an eye to improvement is a strength, as is admitting mistakes. Ruminating for days over decisions already made or those to come has nothing to do with the confidence we envision... Indeed, we have to be heard, and we have to act, if we want to lead. Our instincts, if we can locate them, will help us greatly. We need to start trusting our gut.
Decisiveness and clarity. Approachability and often humor. The qualities varied... Mainly, these women just seemed comfortable with themselves.
Authenticity. It was the last part of the code to come to us, but it may be the linchpin. When confidence emanates from our core, we are our most powerful.
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