June Books

Private Equity by Carrie Sun, 2024

A memoir about working for one of NYC's most successful hedge fund wonderkind and CEO, Private Equity provides an inside view of a Wall Street financial company. In today's increasingly materialistic world, these companies succeed because of the sheer amount of time and focus people spend to synthesize and analyze information to determine which stocks will go up. 

As an assistant to Boone Prescott, a pseudonym for billionaire Chase Coleman, Sun is run ragged trying to handle Prescott's personal and professional schedule. In a world where billions are made and Portfolio Managers continually chase millions to support the New York City life style creep, people are machines, constantly on, working around the clock. 

One assistant notes in awe that a fund manager works literally throughout the day, no breaks to check personal email or surf the internet. 

In this world where money is everything and time is money (e.g. a day is an eternity to wait for someone to get back to you), Sun must always be prepared to meet Prescott's every need. She handles his calendar, as well as synthesizing large volumes of information to prepare slides for his meetings. 

Representing Prescott and Carbon, Sun realizes how many doors are opened and even more privileges made for the privileged class. Reservations that usually require weeks of advance notice can be made in a few hours notice at the best restaurants in Manhattan. Money talks, especially in New York, the finance capitol of the world.

Sun provides insight into generous gifts of $6,000 coats and events with a budget of over $100,000. With this excess, there is so much waste; such as a cake worth over $1,000 for Prescott's birthday celebration is thrown away, untouched. 

The memoir is mixed in with stories of Sun growing up, becoming the 'machine' that is able to work non-stop and adjust to Prescott's preferences and constant feedback on how she should act. Her parents were sent to the countryside during the Cultural Revolution, resulting in two damaged and hardened people.

They took their anger out on their daughter and each other, with Sun's father leaving the family, only to return and continually threaten to leave. Sun grows up burdened and abused with guilt by her parents. To act perfect. To not throw away the chance she has been given by their great sacrifices. 

Many immigrant children, including me, feel these pressures growing up and well into our 20s and 30s, but Sun's parents cross many lines. Wanting their approval, she decides to attend MIT to determine how markets can be predictable due to her parents' joy from short-term wins from day trading. 

The memoir feels a bit disjointed. It starts off with Sun working at Carbon and then goes into her backstory of how she has the fortitude to work through injuries and the immense stress trying to please Prescott. There is so much emphasis on the financial world in the memoir, yet there is no compelling story line. 

There are interesting facts and details and how Sun's health deteriorates at Carbon is troubling, but I did not feel an emotional connection as a reader. The story of her childhood and college experiences are honest and brave, and perhaps if the memoir was in chronological order, the reader would have built more sympathy for Sun to make the story of her working for Prescott more compelling.

Overall, there are interesting and insightful observations (like how Prescott's success was the result of consistently performing well v aiming for big wins) but the memoir did not flow as I had hoped it would.

Influence is Your Superpower: The Science of Winning Hearts, Sparking Change, and Making Good Things Happen by Zoe Chance, 2022

Chance is a professor who teaches about influence at Yale's Business School. The book summarizes her course and provides the type of information expected from a business school course.

She starts off with an overview of our brains. There is System 1 ( the cerebellum and limbic system), often referred to as the Right Brain. She calls this the Gator - the part of the brain that makes quick and emotional decisions on little information. This is where our unconscious biases live.

System 2 (the neocortex) or Left Brain, is the Judge. This part of the brain makes rational decisions, is analytical and engages in critical thinking.

These two systems are one way. System 2 is constantly receiving info from System 1, filtering information, while System 1 tends not to receive signals from System 2. Or, intentionality is needed for System 2 to affect System 1. This book focuses on influencing the System 1 or the Gator.

Influencing is not changing someone's mind, but their behavior. For example, people tend to take the path of least resistance and are turned off by things that are hard, or perceived to be hard. Therefore, if you want people to do business with you, make it as easy as possible

The book also has a chapter called  'Just Ask.' This has always been my personal philosophy. The worst that can happen is that someone says no. Chance also notes that people are more generous and willing to help then we think.

To help with the ask, we should avoid diminishing language like using "I" frequently. By using the first person pronoun, we are focusing on ourselves and out feelings, not the other person.

The best way to make the ask is to be be direct and leave out the "I". Also, STOP apologizing! Instead of saying, "Sorry for being late," say "Thanks for your patience".

There are also tips for public speaking. She talkes about the power of the pause and doing full body pauses, which gives time for the audience to catch up. There is also the need to connect and get in sync with the audience.

Focusing on connecting with one person (making eye contact, walking closer to them) will lead to connecting with rest of audience

Timing is also important. People are more open to suggestions and making decisions when they are ready for it. Cebu Pacific ran a sidewalk campaign in Hong Kong during monsoon season. With people rushing with their umbrellas looking down, they saw sidewalk messages reminding people them that "It's sunny in the Philippines". Airline ticket sales increased by 37%.

Part of the ask should include Framing. Suggesting or pointing something out for people to focus on can be influential on how someone considers the ask and makes a decision.

For example, framing a talk with, "There will be one or two strategies that will resonate with you today" will prompt people to find these strategies and jot them down. Even pointing something out or naming something will call into being.

Another influencer is loss aversion. People will do as much to avoid $10 as to gain $20, so this should be noted when thinking of how to frame something.

Monumental Framing is for longer term ideas, focusing on impact and the why. Motivates people through importance, scope, size, and our friend FOMO (fear of missing out).

Manageable Framing is for the near term, emphasizing the How, focusing on ease of course. People want more concrete details for near term things.

Mysterious Framing causes interests and for people to guess and wonder. This framing is done with words like 'new', 'suddenly', and 'breaking news'.

These frames can be combined and even all used together to motivate audiences. An example is Marie Kondo's Life-Changing (Monumental) Magic (Mysterious) of Tidying Up (Manageable).

Although these are in reference for business, it makes me wonder how I can frame my relationships with my husband and daughter... 

For people who disagree, use the concept of Aikido to influence them. The practice of Aikido responds to an attack (or disagreement in this case) by redirecting momentum.

Be open and curious about the resistance. Acknowledge doubt, say "I see you have some doubts" and "What other concerns do you have?". The Goal is to listen, not to respond or get defensive.

By affirm their freedom of choice with comments or statements like "Feel free to say no" or "Could we discuss...?", this redirects the energy of the disagreement.

Other influence suggestions include 'soft asks': "How would you fee about...?" or "I'm not pushing you to decide, but where would say you are?". This is called a test close in Sales.

Implementation intention is asking  someone what they plan to do, having them think about next steps.

Even if someone says no, be the Kindly Brontosaurus; someone who is persistent, always in view/checking in, polite and friendly.

For big challenges, there is the Magic Question: "What would it take?"

This question invites collaboration and creativity towards a solution, leading to buy-in. Negotiation is a conversation aimed at coming to a mutually agreeable solution; not a lump sum, winner take all. The other person should feel good. Even if you do not care about the other person, happy people are more generous and creative.

Before entering a negotiation, think about Value Creation Questions - How can this be better for me? How can this be better for them? Who else can benefit?

Give someone choices so that they feel in control. A study showed that when offered a product alone, 97% opted to wait and not buy the product. A choice will drive people to make a decision and framing the choices can be affective. The Goldilocks strategy presents one option that is not as great, one that is too much and then the middle/just right option.

If all else fails and you are negotiating with a difficult person, identify your leverage and be direct with your wishes and boundaries

May Flowers

There There by Tommy Orange, 2018

Beautifully written, There There is set in Oakland and is a comprised of multiple Native American characters who are preparing for a Powwow Event at the Colosseum. The stories are steeped with addiction, poverty and constant repercussions of having Indian land and way of life ripped away.

There is Tony Loneman, who suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and used to people staring at him. Dene Oxedene is putting together an Indian narrative documentary in memory of his uncle, who drank himself to death. 

Opal Viola Victoria Bear Shield who moves from house to house as a child, even living in Alcatraz with her mother and half-sister Jacquie Red Feather. Due to her sister's addiction, Opal becomes the guardian for Jacquie's grandsons Orvil, Loother and Lony.

Edwin Black is a large man who lives behind a computer screen and finds his father Harvey on Facebook. Bill Davis is Edwin's mother's boyfriend who has spent time in prison and now works at the Coliseum. 

Calvin Johnson is bipolar and harassed by his brother Charles, who is inseparable from his friend Carlos. Both Charles and Carlos associate with Octavio Gomez, a criminal who brings tragedy with him; including to the family of Daniel Gonzales, a software engineer who learns to 3D print items to make fast money for his widowed mother.

Blue Vapor of Life was given up for adoption and flees from an abusive husband. Thomas Frank is an alcoholic who finds peace and respite in drumming.

These characters all converge at the Powwow for an explosive ending.

Although I enjoyed Orange's writing and was enthralled with each character, I was disappointed that I could not get more involved with the characters, that each character only appeared in a few chapters.  

The Golden House by Salman Rushdie, 2017

My first Rushdie novel, The Golden House is about a wealthy family who moves to a close-knit New York City neighborhood known as the 'Gardens'. The Golden family consisting of patriarch Nero, and his sons Petronius (Petya) the autistic gaming genius, Apuleius (Apu) the spiritual artist, and Dionysus (D) the step-brother who struggles with his identity.

The family arrives suddenly on Macdougal Street and although they keep a low profile initially, they slowly start to make their impact on New York City. It is unclear how much money the Golden family actually possesses, but their names are soon associated with billion dollar real estate deals.

The story of the family is narrated by neighborhood teenager Rene, who resides with his professorial parents and is an aspiring film maker. He befriends the family, who eventually become a second family to him.

Rene soon discovers that there is friction between the brothers and the father has many secrets and tragedies from his previous life in Bombay. The brothers' lives in NYC unfold throughout the election of a historical black President and then a 'Joker' presidential candidate.

The characters and stories are vivid and gripping. The twists and turns result in tragedies and a violent past that won't be forgotten. Although Nero is not a violent man, decisions he has made in the past come back to haunt. As he is told, life can be like the Hotel California, where people can check out, but never leave.

I thought The Golden House was an engaging read, but the endless references to movies (befitting the narrator) and Greek mythology slowed me down.

Other characters in the story include Somalian artist Ubah Tuur, D's girlfriend Riya Zachariassen who works at the Museum of Identity, rambling homeless veteran Kinski, Russian stepmother Vasilisa (possibly the witch Baba Yaga), the newest Golden son Vespasian (Vespa), and Rene's girlfriend fellow film maker Suchikra.

The following two quotes resonated with me:

"This is how we are: we fall in love with each other's strengths, but love deepens towards permanence when we fall in love with each other's weaknesses." - Rene about his girlfriend Suchikra

"We are icebergs. I don't mean that we are cold, only that we are mostly under the surface, and the part of us that is hidden can sink the Titanic." - Rene about everyone

April Reading Showers

The Bee Sting by Paul Murray, 2023

An epic saga that dives into the lives of the four members of the Barnes family, The Bee Sting is a page turner. Each section is narrated by a character and the richness of the backstory makes for page-turning reading. 

The novel kicks off with Cass Barnes, a teenage daughter whose family is falling apart. Once a prosperous family as the proprietor of the car dealership and garage in a rural Irish town, the Barnes family struggles through a downturn.

P.J. is Cass's younger brother, who endearingly tries to blend further into the background despite his own struggles. Imelda is the mother, who has experienced hardships raised by an alcoholic and violent father. 

Lastly, Dickie Barnes is the head of the family who is desperate to keep his family together and from finding out his secrets as he struggles to financially support his family.

There are many other vivid characters including Elaine, Cass's best friend, and Elaine's father Big Mike; P.J.'s 'best' friend Ethan; Dickie's younger brother Frank and father Maurice; Dickie's college friend Willie; and a mysterious dark-haired stranger named Ryszard who enters both Cass and Dickie's orbit.

Written with creative narration (one section has no punctuation, another is told in 2nd person), The Bee Sting is a special book with memorable characters and stories that will stay with me. The novel was short-listed for the Booker Prize. His previous novel Skippy Dies was long-listed for the Booker prize in 2010.

My Side of the River by Elizabeth Camarillo Gutierrez, 2024

A memoir of the impacts of the United State's immigration policy, Guiterrez writes about growing up in Tuscon, Arizona. Her Mexican parents are forced to live life in the shadows as they lack paperwork. They avoid the police, work jobs that do not require paperwork, and live in spare rooms/shacks of family members as housing can not be in their names.

When Gutierrez's parents' tourist visas are set to expire, they move back to Mexico to handle the renewal process. Guitierrez and her brother, both born in the United States and therefore citizens, are left with a family friend. 

Her parents' visa requests are eventually denied and Gutierrez is forced to make a decision: to stay in the United States to finish high school or to live with her family in Mexico. Ranked No. 1 in her class, Gutierrez is a bright, talented and hard-working student. Gutierrez realizes that her future is in attending college in America. That her parents sacrificed their youth and marriage so that she and her brother could be educated in the States. 

Still a child at 16, she makes the decision to return to the States by herself to finish high school. She stays with a teacher who is kind enough to take her in, but not kind enough to give her her own room or to feed her. With support form other teachers and school social workers, she applies for aid for homeless children and learns about the food pantry so she no longer needs to go hungry.

Gutierrez's hard work pays off when she is accepted into many of the colleges she has applied to. The hard work does not taper off though when she starts college. She experiences culture shock at the frivolity of her fellow University of Pennsylvania students. At how they carelessly treat their $900 Canada Goose jackets when $900 would have been a fortune for her her family.

She remains focused as she she feels guilty for leaving her younger brother in Mexico. She knows that she is the only one who can bring him to the States to finish his high school education and get a college education in the States. 

After graduating college, Gutierrez searches for an apartment not just for herself, but also for her brother, who will move in with her. 

While her co-workers are going to happy hour, she is returning home to help her brother with homework and college applications. She manages his high school education and pays for his living expenses, while also supporting her parents in Mexico.

The sacrifices that Gutierrez make and the drive that she has to succeed is incredible. To take financial and emotional responsibility for her entire family as a teenager is remarkable.

While managing school and then work, supporting her family, taking care of her brother, she even does a Ted Talk on the American immigrant experience!

Writing the Breakout Novel: Insider advice for taking your fiction to the next level by Donald Maass, 2001

As I'm starting to learn more about the craft of writing (structuring plots, character development, etc.), this book provided a good overview of how stories should be crafted. 

It talks about tension and says how writing a novel is not like a movie, where each action is played out. (This was a mistake I made in one of my drafts where the protagonist was going to work. I detailed each step and bored myself terribly...)

Some take-aways that I got from the book was digging deeper with the characters. Throw the worst at them. That characters need to be sympathetic, even if there is an amazing plot. The reader needs to care. I have had some ideas that seem pretty unplausible, like a protagonist that murders people as a hobby, but why not? Stakes should be raised to get the characters at their worst, and the tension at its best.

The book also poses the question of, as a writer, what am I trying to say? What is the theme of my story? Themes can be trope, but to be profound and dig deeper emotionally. What new perspective am I bringing?

There needs to be tension on every page for a breakout novel. This idea of tension is what keeps the reader going and something I think about now when I am writing.

Maass outlines plotting in five stages:

1. Sympathetic character introduced
2. Conflict arises
3. Conflict deepens, twists
4. Climax
5. Resolution

The Good, The Bad, and The Aunties by Jesse Q. Sutanto, 2024

The final trilogy of Sutanto's Auntie series, The Good, The Bad, and the Aunties delivers on the Asian woman of a certain age (over 50) zaniness. From the constant need to 'save face' and dish out blatant advice in broken English, the Aunties travel back to Jakarta with their niece, protagonist Meddy and her new husband Nathan.

Hijinks ensue. None are plausible and the emotional interiority of Meddy towards Nathan becomes eye-rolling at times, but the Aunties provide for good fun. From Big Aunt, to 2nd Aunt, Meddy's mom, and 4th Aunt, Meddy appreciates her ferocious Aunties and realizes that she is becoming like them...

I find the novels very enjoyable as I relate to Meddy in how she sees her Aunts as she narrates the story. The Aunts, collectively, steal the show.

March Books

Unsheltered by Barbara Kingsolver, 2018

The novel alternates between the 21st and 18th Century, residents of a house in Vineland, New Jersey. Based on historic figures from the 18th Century, fictional Thatcher Greenwood befriends Mary Treat, naturalist and professional corespondent to Charles Darwin and Asa Gray. 

Willa Knox, the modern resident of Vineland, struggles with her husband's ailing father, two adult children who have fled back home due to tragedies, and a home that is literally falling apart.

As the story progresses, the stories come together and are cleverly tied together by the last words of the chapters resulting in the name of the following cross-century chapter. The story of Willa Knox struggling with financial challenges, even from her Harvard-educated son, was compelling; while the 18th Century chapters I found a bit tedious, despite the real events of a cult leader and murder.

I took this book with me to a vacation to Hollywood, Florida and despite being more than halfway through the book, did not finish the book during the vacation. I fell asleep twice while reading about the story unfolding during the 18th Century...

The House of Doors by Tan Twan Eng, 2023

Taking place in Cassowary House in Penang, Malaysia, The House of Doors is based on historical events, centering around the visit of Somerset Maugham. The story revolves around Leslie Hamlyn, an angmoh (Malay for white person), who is married to Robert, an old friend of Maugham.

There are secrets and scandals (affairs galore!) that unfold during the visit, including remembrances of the time when revolutionary Dr. Sun Yat Sen, leader of the Tongmenghui party, lived in Penang in the 1910 while fleeing from his Chinese countrymen. 

Having spent time in Bali, reading the novel transported me back to Malaysia. It provides the context of the Chinese, as well as the English, in Malaysia as well as piquing my interest in Maugham. I had heard of the famous writer, but was not familiar with his life or works. Now, I look forward to learning more about him through his novels (I don't tend to read plays) and biographies.

A lovely story filled with twists, The House of Doors is an enjoyable read that effortlessly transported me to another place and time. Similar to Eng's previous works, The House of Doors was longlisted for the 2023 Booker Prize.

Trust by Hernan Diaz, 2022

With a unique story-telling format, Trust captivated me from the beginning. While reading the second part of the novel, I was a bit confused as to where the narrative was going. Unfortunately, I let this distract me.  However, the third part managed to tie all the pieces together.

Mainly set in the the 1920s, Trust is the story of the great wealth created by financiers moving money around through buying and selling of stocks. Along with great wealth, comes notoriety, secrecy and gossip. The book starts off with a fictionalized version of Andrew Bevel, who is driven to correct accounts of his and his late wife Mildred's life story with an autobiography.

Ida Partenza is hired to help Bevel write his autobiography. She represents the third voice in the story. Along with the reader, Partenza works to puzzle out the true story of the mysterious Bevels.

When the truth is uncovered and a new light is presented, it will make you want to re-read the novel to put the pieces together as you realize that assumptions that are made are misleading. 

Trust is the 2023 Pulitzer Prize winner, along with Barbara Kingsolver's Demon Copperhead.

The Things We Didn't Know by Elba Iris Pérez, 2024

I stayed up until midnight to finish this book. The Things We Didn't Know is a story of Puerto Rican siblings who grow up in a western Massachusetts town called Woronoco, where their father works at a paper plant. Based on a true town, Woronoco is an isolated community where Andrea and Pablo grow up and struggle to fit in.

They deal with the prejucides of being Puerto Rican and not 'American' (despite the fact that they are Americans), and struggles with idenity and racism.

Part of the novel takes place in Puerto Rico, where Andrea and Pablo's mother takes them after suffocating in the isolation of Woronoco and the strict confines of their traditional Puerto Rican father Don Louis.

From memorable family members (Tia Machi, Tia Florencia, Socorro, Tia Perfecta) and friends (Tito, Hannah, Emily, Frankie, Donnie), we follow Andrea and Pablo from childhood to adulthood.

The chapters in Puerto Rico are so rich and full of emotion. I do wish that Pérez delved more into the serious topics that occurs in the book: identity, racism, abuse, and mental illness.

I'm Baaacckk

Five years later (wow....), it's me again. I have always been reading, but work and life has taken me away from this blog. It is a new year and a new decade for me, so I am back at it.

I started the year finishing Barbara Kingsolver's Demon Copperhead after reading Patrick Radden Keefe's Empire of Pain and becoming obsessed with the opiod epedimic and the Sackler family's role in it. 

I have been turned back onto Zadie Smith after discussing the author with some friends. I remember becoming enthralled with White Teeth when it was first published in 2000 (although I cannot recall what it is about...) and then being disappointed with her follow-up. Since her seminal work, she has become a prolific writer and I enjoyed both Swing Time and On Beauty The latter was especially fun to read given that the novel takes place in Boston and what looks to be Cambridge, reflecting Smith's tenure as a Resident Fellow at Radcliffe.

Over time, I have come to appreciate and even prefer female writer. The voice tends to be different and something that resonates with me more. As I have matured, I realize certain truths about reading that reflect me. In my 20s and part of my 30s, I finished every book I started. No matter how tedious. I suppose it was a matter of principal. No books life behind! I let go of that and now have no problem closing a book and leaving the characters forever, fate unknown, even after investing 80 pages into their lives.

I have always noticed the difference in voices, including along gender lines. I relate more to a woman's voice. Not that I will only read books by female authors, but I am more true to what I read (versus what I should read) and the books I have read reflect this.

2019 - Back to Lists

General busyness of returning from vacation, a new year, so back to lists.

Becoming by Michelle Obama, 2018

Great book.  Not only insightful view into politics and office of the presidency, but also about growing up a minority, not 'fitting', marriage & family.  Obama is an amazing woman and has an amazing story to tell.

A great book to end the year with & finish  in the new year.





Heartland: A Memoir of Working Hard and Being Broke in the Richest Country on Earth by Sarah Smarsh, 2018 - Growing up in poverty in Kansas.  Eye opening story of the cycle of poverty where families are constantly moving for a job/better opportunity to be able to feed themselves & their family.

Where people work bone-tiring-ly hard each day but still barely able to afford food on the table.  Where they need ways to numb their weariness, job related pains, bleak outlooks & pride.

Where they vote Republican because they don't want handouts, but an opportunity to work and earn a decent living.  Where they have true freedom & as farmers, connect with nature in unparalleled ways.

Educated: A Memoir by Tara Westover, 2018
Memoir of growing up in rural Idaho, home schooled & secluded from society.  Unexpected twists once Tara leaves her home to attend college at Brigham Young University, then Cambridge University & Harvard.

Ultimately, about family and proves how having someone believe in you can lead to places unfathomable.


The Italian Teacher by Tom Rachman, 2018
A fan of Rachman since his debut novel The Imperfectionists, I thoroughly enjoyed The Italian Teacher.  From his childhood in Rome to his formative years in Toronto to middle aged in London, Pinch (or Charles) lives in the shadow of his larger than life artist father Bear Bavinsky.

Interesting insight into the art world - where artists succeed not just because of talent but also because of over the top personalities, prices for pieces of work are built on stories surrounding the work/artist and how even the masters even had apprentices paint portions of paintings for them.



Charlotte Walsh Likes To Win by Jo Piazza, 2018
Silicon Valley COO, a la Sheryl Sandberg, Charlotte Walsh decides to run for Senate of Pennsylvania after her bestselling book stirs up calls for her to run for office to "fix" the US government.

Vivid characters including her assistant Leila, her husband Max & campaign manager Josh play key roles in her personal & political life.  Insights into politics are depressing: the focus on sound bites, how calling a woman a despicable name is acceptable (i.e. will not impact poll ratings) and the constant vigilance of  trackers (campaign workers who record opponent speeches in hopes of compromising footage).

Also insight into the unique & wealthy culture that is Silicon Valley.

A good read without the typical predictability & tidiness of stories.  Previously, enjoyed The Knockoff, which Piazza co-wrote.

Sweet Temptation by Lucy Diamond, 2010
From the condo we stayed at in Barbados.  Perfect beach read after I finished Charlotte Walsh Likes to Win & didn't have a spare book...

British author.  Three women join Fat Busters to lose weight and become friends.

They support each other as they struggle to lose weight & realize that their weight gain was result of using food to comfort themselves to compensate for other issues in their lives.

Maddie is a working mom of two, victim of her insensitive, brass boss D.J. Collette.  Her mother is a glamours actress who signs her up for a gym membership.

Jess works as a beautician and engaged to be Charlie, who keeps postponing the wedding & criticizing Jess for her weight gain.

Lauren is a bitter divorcee who runs a match making agency.

Funny and sweet, and not as formulaic, Sweet Tempation would be a great Reese Witherspoon produced movie!

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata, 2018
Gem of a book.  Keiko Furukura is a woman who takes things literally and does not understand the socially constructed norm. 

She thrives at the convenience store that she works out since rules & social interactions are clearly defined.

She is a convenience store worker & other are either co-workers or customers.

Fascinating look into society - that friends and family are happy for her when she seemingly pairs off with a former co-worker Shiraha, even thought that someone has no job and is living off of her.

And of course, a convenience store as a thriving hub with ebbs and flows where items should be stocked based on weather and customer patterns.

How Women Rise by Sally Helgesen & Marshall Goldsmith, 2018

How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back From Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

The habits and use cases in this book describe me to a T.  I am that predictable/average...!

Goldsmith had published best selling What Got Your Here Won't Get You There but the behaviors discussed in the book geared towards men.

For example, men tend to claim credit (v emphasizing team) and focus on the need to be right.  Women tend not to have these challenges.

Mission statement - help me think clearly about my future, feel more confident & prepared, mark me as serious, a potential player, someone to watch, move beyond the trap of expecting to be spontaneously noticed

Make companies & teams become more efficient by developing processes that drive results.  Helping those in the Chinese community who came to America with nothing to make a better lives for their children.

From my mission statement, figure out which habit to work on first.

Quotes that resonated:
"...behaviors that helped you get where you are now can hold you back from advancing to the next stage." - I need to say no more. be curt. be direct. stop apologizing. stop minimizing

Habit 1, Reluctance to Claim Your Achievements
- concerned about wanting to appear 'authentic', not a brown noser...  that's just me being stubborn & judgmental...
- just say "thank you" whenever praised, without adding any minimizing statements

Habit 2, Expecting Others to Spontaneously Notice & Reward Your Contributions 
- am surprised when higher level execs don't know who I am..., have not heard of me...
- use case with male attorney made partner since concerned he'd leave, talked about it from day one & surprised when found out Maureen wanted to be partner since she had never mentioned it

Habit 3, Overvaluing Expertise
- especially since I have never coded anything in my life & am managing software engineers...

"...the top jobs always require managing and leading people who have expertise, not providing expertise yourself."

"First, learning  every detail to perfection uses up a lot of bandwidth, leaving you little time to develop the relationships you need to move ahead.  Second, your efforts to do everything perfectly usually have the effect of demonstrating that you're perfect for the job you already have."

"Of course you need to deliver on your work, but you've got to think bigger than that.  It's rare to get promoted because you've done your job flawlessly.  You're most likely to get promoted because people know you and trust that you could be contributing at a higher level. And because you demonstrate that you're ready for a challenge."

"...as she grew more experienced, Ana began to see that having answers was less important as she moved higher, while forging relationships mattered more.  She says, 'You can't be the expert when your domain is expansive and your span of control is broad.  You need to rely on others.  Plus you have less time to get up to speed on details.  The upshot is, you have to trust people and they have to trust you.  And trust is built in the back-and-forth of engagement, not by knowing every last little thing."

Personal authority - rooted in confidence you inspire in others.  "Expertise and connections can help establish personal authority, but there's always another element: a strong presence, a distinctive cast of mid, a way of speaking and listening that inspires loyalty and trust, or an unusual degree of gravitas.  Personal authority is what sets the most successful leaders apart, whether or not their authority is tied to position."

"By letting go of  expertise, Ana was ironically finally able to feel fully confident as a leader and harness the power required to rise."

Habit 4: Building Rather Than Leveraging Relationships
Why women are uncomfortable with the notion of leveraging a relationship...
"I don't want others to think I'm using them." - that's me...!!

"...when men build relationships at work, they're usually very focused.  They pursue people they believe can help them accomplish their objectives."  Need to leverage relationships to pursue my goals.

Leverage is reciprocal.  "The underlying premise is: You help me and I'll help you."

"...engaging leverage is a subtle way of suggesting that you're going places...  Refusing to engage in this way on the grounds that you don't want to "use" the other person suggests that you don't see yourself as having this kind of power.  And that you can't imagine the other person would perceive an advantage in having a relationship with you."

"Either you're a wonderful person with pure intentions who gives no thoughts to your own advancements, or you're a conniver who uses others to achieve your ends. Either you're motivated by the desire for disinterested friendship, or you're only out for yourself.  This kind of framing allows for no middle ground, no way of being a good and helpful person who is also capable of pursuing her own self-interest."

Habit 5: Failing to Enlist Allies From Day One
Men in new positions think, "Who should I connect with to make this job a success?"  "They view the path to success not as a matter of what or how, but of who.

The result of this who-centric approach?  More support.  Better positioning.  Greater visibility.  Less isolation."

Dianna, attorney new to maritime law, running the division.  Her boss: "You wouldn't be here if you weren't a good lawyer, but you're not here to be a good lawyer.  You're here to be a leader.  That's your job."

Turning point in her career: "Instead of seeing myself as a smart lawyer who scored points based on knowledge of the law, I began to see myself as a leader who brought out the best in people and could help them connect across continents."

Habit 6: Putting Your Job Before Your Career
"...focusing on your job at the expense of your career.  You're looking at what's on your plate now instead of seeing the big picture.  You're sacrificing your long-term prospects on the altar of today."

"Managing a team superbly ultimately proves you have great skills as a manager.  But building strong outside networks is a promotional skill aimed at getting recognition for the larger organization.  So while women are honing their management skills and sending the message that they're wonderful managers, their male colleagues are busy building promotional skills and sending the message that they're terrific promoters."

"This doesn't mean you only think about the future instead of appreciating where you are now.  But it does mean you assess the value of every job not just in terms of how it could serve your long-term self-interest."

"So if you're stuck in the loyalty trap, or have a problem admitting self-interest, or if you make a big point of disdaining the politics you see other people play, you can benefit by considering how well these attitudes really serve you, how suited they are for getting you where you want to go.  Women who use their jobs as a way to avoid thinking about their careers often have a problem admitting ambition.  But the world needs ambitious women - why not you?"

Habit 7: The Perfection Trap
"...women are especially vulnerable to the perfection trap, the belief that they will succeed if they do their job perfectly and never mess anything up.  While women in general tend to be seen as better leaders than men, they are often undermined by their tendency to give themselves a hard time, a habit rotted in the desire to be perfect.  The result is that even high-achieving women tend to take failures deeply to heart, get tangled up in self-blame, and stew over mistakes instead of moving on."

"Risk-taking requires being open to failure...  The desire to be perfect, by contrast, keeps you focused on what you can control.  This narrows your horizons and demonstrates insecurity instead of the confidence in the future that being an effective leader requires."

"By letting to of expertise, Ana was ironically finally able to feel fully confident as a leader and harness the power required to rise."

Dana notices the details, but considers it in the larger context.  "She's a perfectionist by nature...but she has a broad perspective and is very tolerant with people.  She works incredibly hard but is often the first to let go when things don't turn out as planned.  And she has a great sense of humor so she can handle criticism and put people at ease.  It all comes down to her being a confident person.

Julie notes that Dana has two skills most perfectionists lack.  She's good at delegating and she knows how to prioritize."

Habit 8, Disease to Please
Disease to please can "undermine your ability to make clear decisions because you're always trying to split the difference among competing needs in hopes of creating consensus or avoiding giving offense.  This can impair your judgment and leave you vulnerable to manipulation by people who know how to use guilt to get others to accommodate their needs.

It can rob you of the capacity to act with authority for fear of disappointing others or making them even temporary unhappy.  It can make you an unreliable advocate or ally because you are so easily swayed.  It can distract you from your purpose, squander your time and talents, and contribute to your general stuckness."

"...while the need to please may serve you in the earlier stages of your career, it will impeded you a you move higher, eroding your capacity to demonstrate leadership and serving as the ultimate tool for giving your power away."

In a senior position, "she couldn't avoid stirring up resentment.  It comes with the territory, no matter how nice you try to be.  You have to make peace with that if you're in a leadership position."

"Nancy had always viewed herself as a naturally helpful person...  her over-involvement had the effect of making everything about her.  This is usually shocking to pleasers because it doesn't fit with the 'I'm such a nice person' narrative they carry around in their heads."

Habit 9, Minimizing
Acknowledging someone's presence by making yourself smaller, pointing someone to a seat, move over so person can sit, or come in late & take seat at back of room - men don't do this...

"...when you draw in your arms and legs, tighten your body, hunker down, or move aside - you undermine your ability to project authority and power."  That's right, Power Posing...

Word minimizers: just, quick, we; phrase minimizer: may be beside the point.  "...women are more likely then men to downplay their certainty when they speak, hedging assertions and proactively acknowledging that others may hold different points of view."

Too many words, volunteering explanations when not asked - sounds like you're hedging.  Be direct and fewer words the better.

"...conveying uncertainty is a good way to assure you will not be heard.  People in positions of power tend to read uncertainty as a lack of commitment or preparedness.  Given the no-win nature of dilemma - you're either seen as arrogant or lacking in commitment - it's usually a good practice to just come out and say what you mean."

"...The key component to leadership presence is the opposite of cosmetic: it lies in the capacity to be fully present.  Present for a task, for a conversation, for the moment, for an opportunity.  Present for your larger purpose in the world."

Being present is the most powerful way to connect with people - e.g. when a child knows you are not present/checking your phone, an adult surely will too.

Women struggle to be heard, but study shows that women "receive as much attention as men when speaking on public if (and only if) they are perceived as being fully present.  Being present also has the effect of making women seem more credible and authoritative...  the ability to rest in the moment and hold your space is vital for women seeking to project leadership presence."

Push back against compulsive multitasking, a practice women often seem to take perverse pride in...fragmented attention is a highly effective minimizer.  Multitasking also diminishes you by giving the impression that you're overly responsive to random events.

Stop speaking after done, let there be silence on a call.  When do speak, confident, measured & authentic.

Habit 11, Ruminating
Ruminants are animals such as cows, goats, sheep, etc. that live exclusively on plant food and struggle to extract sufficient protein from their diet. Ruminating and dwelling over mistakes, regrets and negative experiences is called rumination - adds no value.

"Rumination is counterproductive for two reasons.  First, it always makes you feel worse.  And second, it gets in the way of your ability to resolve your problems."

"Men are more likely to say, "I made a mistake.  We all do.  It is time to move on."

Men move on.  Gina wonders, Does Peter think my idea is stupid?  Was I a jerk for bringing it up?  And do I really belong in the room with these hotshot guys?  In other words, I'm heading down the rabbit hole.

Rumination can be a killer - at the executive level, need to be seem, and be, confident and decisive.

Men move on, so I can move on too.

Habit 12, Letting Your Radar Distract You
Radar may also be in part responsible for women's tendency to give themselves a hard time.  Being hyperaware of other people's reactions can feed the fires of self-doubt and cause you to overthink your actions.

"I'm very confident one-on-one...  But I get self-conscious in larger groups because there's so much going on, so many reactions to read.  This can make it hard to focus on what I'm trying to do."  Taylor realized she'd been so busy trying to read the audience, that she'd lost sight of her presentation's contents and purpose in giving her talk."

Who cares if someone looks grumpy or doesn't seem excited about something - could have had a bad day, not always about me.

My To-Don't List:
1. Pass Judgement - Don't!  Judging myself when I fall short of my expectations, second-guessing myself, berating my lack of technical experience or not making progress as quickly as I'd like.  It's negative and keeps me focused on the past instead of the present.

Forgiving myself starts with letting go of the either/or paradigm - e.g. someone is good or bad

Learn to say oh well!  Oh well, I mess up.  Oh  well, I don't have a technical background.  On well, I misinterpreted what someone said.  Oh well, I misspoke.

"Passing judgment is often the engine for the kind of gossipy conversations that can make a workplace toxic.  It may feel satisfying to share negative views of co-workers...but judgmental observations waste your time and create negative energy that saps your spirits and can alienate others.

Gossip also diminishes you as a leader since accepting others with their flaws is the firsts step toward figuring out how to deal with them more effectively, which is precisely what good leaders do.  The more clearly you see people, the more strategic you can be.  Clouding your response with negative assessments can only get in your way."

"Your load will be lighter if you leave your judgments in the stream instead of carrying everyone's behaviors around with you."

2. Avoid minimizing words like no, but or however; in general, few words the better

3. Know my purpose - define it, speak it, share it, be intentional in its pursuit

4. Listening - can't listen when speaking; also, can't listen when preparing to speak.  Listening is a two-step process.  There's the part where you listen to what the other person has to say and then there's the part where you respond.  They do not overlap.

Don't nod my head when someone's talking since that gets interpreted as agreement.

5. The magic of Thank You.  Works magic in many situations: closure on difficult conversation, stops the cycle of tit for tat, it's disarming - even people who are defensive will soften, makes others feel good, demonstrates humility, nobody can argue or push back on it